Scallies - A Study

By Major N

Scallies - We all know some. You may not call them Scallies - townies is another name commonly attributed to them - but they exist everywhere. Scallies are those kids who don't like school; they don't go as often as possible, and when they do, they spend their time in the back of the classroom, messing about, disrupting the lesson for everyone.

Scallies can usually be differentiated fromt he rest of the population by what they wear, their speech, and, if they are over 13, the amount of children they have. They wear designer labels all the time; it is their uniform. If they aren't walking advertising hoardings for all the top labels, then they are usually not Scallies. They all smoke, having usually started just after birth.

All Scally males (I'm using this term loosely) have shaved heads, and, usually, one stud earring. They are also extremely homophobic. In fact, they seem to think that calling someone or something that they don't like 'gay' is the way to go. Mind you, Scallies have a vocabulary of slightly less words than your average shellfish, so it's not all that surprising. If you so much as insinuate that one may be a homosexual, they immediately attempt to beat you up (and invariably fail miserably, since they are usually weaklings). Such behaviour leads me to deduce that they are extremely repressed, and do not embrace their true sexuality. This is backed up by their facade of 'being hard'.

Scally females (again, I'm using the term loosely) are usually bleach-blondes. They usually wear sour expressions, and far too much makeup. Also, certainally in England, they all seem to wear gaudy gold oval-hoop earrings.The term 'slut' doesn't begin to describe how loose most of these girls are. They also do not understand the theory of 'contraception', hence Scallies are the fastest-growing section of the community.

Scallies do not have much of a vocabulary, as stated above, but they can often be identified by those words they do use. Examples of such 'words' are "yo", "booyaka-sha", "innit", "phat" and such. They also aspire to copy black culture, albeit very badly. For example the phrase "booyaka-sha" has been put forward to translate as "Death to white people" in one African dialect. They also listen to Rap and R&B music, and also pop music, which is, to my ears, inexcuable.

I beleive that the reason that Scallies behave as they do is because they will never aspire to anything, and they recognise this fact. Most Scallies would be lucky to be employed by McDonalds, which is where most of them eke out a pitiful wage, which is wasted on cigarettes and either alcopops, cider, or bad lager. This realisation is also the source of their anger and frustration, which is what leads them to attempt to injure those cleverer or better than themselves.

Unfortunately, as stated above, due to their complete lack of understanding of the concept of contraception, Scallies are the fastest-growing section of the population. It is also a well-known fact that children end up as images of their parents. hence, the Scallies are breeding more Scallies, and so on, in an ever-increasing downward spiral - the proportion of Scallies in the population is growing exponentially, with no sign of slowing. And it is little wonder that their offspring end up as they do. Their parents beat, threaten and swear at them, as well as giving them no encouragement to do well in life. As such, they have no hopes or aspirations other than where the next cigarette is coming from, and end up as templated of their parents; bitter, angry, fruatrated and stupid. This new generation of Scallies start breeding from the age of 13, and so will their children, and their children, and so on.

Is there a solution to the ever-growing Scally eperdemic? Although it may not solve the problem, I feel that complete and world-wide banning of R&B, Pop music, designer labels, cigarettes and cider would at least serve to make me feel better. ALso, some form of from-birth contraception, that can only be reversed when the parents-to-be meet a set of criteria, would also help stem the flow, although that will not happen so long as we do not live in an (outwardly) 'Big Brother' state. Scallies are a nuisance. In the wild, nuisances are culled to keep their number in check. Unfortunately, a large cull of Scallies is not an option. The only way we can at least hope to stem the tide of Scallies is to not become them ourselves, and to teach our children how to do something with their lives. To let our children fall into Scallydom is to ruin their lives.

To be a Scally is to lead a pointless existence.